It's something like this... at some point, the wires got crossed, and now they are out of whack and not functioning properly. The wires I'm talking about are brain chemicals. It is believed we* have triggers that set these things off, but I've been working for years on learning what those triggers are and how to deal with them before they cause a malfunction. Over time, I've learned what sets me off and what keeps things working orderly. I haven't overcome all that challenges me, but I've got a pretty good grip on most of it.
I am here, but really where am I ?
I can't believe it. I can't seem to straighten it out. It feels like losing control... I'm jittery, nauseas, irritable, and apathetic. My body hurts all over, pain in my muscles, my bones, my joints, my gut. They say it's bipolar manic depressive, it's anxiety, its Fibromyalgia... I hate to put a label to it, rather I just continue do what needs to be done to live happy. I will not be defined by a disease. No, it's not easy to do. Yes, It takes a lot of hard work, support and perseverance. Especially super hard when you "think" you " just don't care" but since I've been fighting back to this for such a long time, I know what these feelings are, they are temporary and as much as I don't feel like doing what needs to be done to take back my balance, somehow with help and support I work on it little by little til it's back on track.
I take my medicine (which I fought for years to do, but now I never miss a dose), take my vitamins, eat clean healthy balanced meals/snacks, and exercise daily. I think positively, i speak positively (I don't see through rose colored glasses, I just choose to make the best of a situation) and I work on faith, hope and love daily... blah blah blah ... the point is, I haven't given up. I work hard everyday at controlling my mental health.
What happened... a traumatic event or events?
So Why is this happening?
I've narrowed it down to this.... back in November, I completed the marathon which I had been preparing for all year, talk about setting myself up for a high/low crash! This led into the next month of "off-season" recovery for training which means not much running or intense exercise sessions. My routine was shaken; holiday's, days off, different foods, altered sleep schedules. To top it off, my best buddy died. I miss the love and interaction we had day in and out. Oh, and lack of sunshine doesn't help when you are solar powered. Now even the small triggers, like social interaction, confrontations, money talk, obstacles etc seem ginormous to me as well.
I still thought I had it under control
What's annoying is, I still thought I had it under control. I know I had it under control. Then bam 💥 nope, not in control, anxiety breaks through to the point of being physically sick.
It's like I'm stuck on the fuzzy channel. You know, you are changing stations and one comes in clear, the next is a buzzing, fuzzy mess, and then you keep clicking until you find another clear station. I'm stuck on fuzzy right now with my wires crossed. I need a re-boot, which I'm working on finding.
Finding the positive is this...
The POSITIVE of this annoying mess is, thankfully I am now able to recognize all that I'm going through. I know what is going on, but I will continue to fight back, it seems my chemicals are a bit imbalanced. It hasn't taken away my faith, hope or love, I am stronger than this disease. Yes, it's quite frustrating not having complete control over my emotion, but I also know it's temporary, it will pass and I will become stronger for enduring what feels impossible at the time.
For the longest time, they said it was all in my head... well yes it's in my head... it starts from the chemicals being released in my brain... it's very real! It can be controlled to a large extent , but honestly can it ever be cured?